Ah, Balance....just makes me feel relaxed and confident. Problem is, we currently don't have balance in our home. Summer threw us for a loop that I wasn't expecting. When I left my job a year ago I only had a few days at home with the kids before running off to Atlanta, GA for Thirty-One's National Conference. I was home a week and we started school. This year it was the whole summer. Not having a schedule has really taken it's toll. The kids are always bored or playing the wrong way. So it's time to bring back balance.
In just two weeks we will be beginning our second year of homeschooling. Ethan is moving on to 1st Grade and Abby is going into Kindergarten. Yes, she's still 4 1/2 but given the work that she did last year and the way she always was involved in Ethan's work I know she is going to do well. She is ready and she is capable, I see no reason holding her back just because her birthday falls in October. They are both excited for school to start and ready for it. We are waiting on my Kindergarten Teacher's Kit for Abby but otherwise we have everything we need. It's just a matter of finding balance.
Balance with school, balance with the house work, balance with my Thirty-One business, balance with setting goals and priorities and sticking to them and of course balance with family and personal time. I am learning that while I live by the calendar and tend to try to be a very schedule oriented person, it isn't the way that my husband and kids like to live. Abby might, she always wants to know what we are doing on a given day and what's coming next. So I am trying to learn to throw in unplugged, free time. Quality time that is spent moving, dancing, singing, playing and making memories. Kids need time to run, they need time to be kids. Mommy has to realize that these are their formative years and that some things that I deem important as an adult, they are just not ready to grasp yet. It will come in time. Love them while they are young, innocent and learning.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Ouch
I am well aware that I am human and typically have a range of emotion on any given day, but today it's hurt and sadness. It's the little things. Little things bring me joy, little things bring me happiness, little things make me smile. In the same regard it's the little things that bring back a memory, that cause the tears to return to my eyes without a moment's notice, the little things that remind me of what I've lost. Today is one of those days.
Up to this point I feel like I have handled things very well. Life happens and there is no explanation. God is in control and who are we to question His authority. He is the giver of life, the miracle worker and Great Physician, He is the orchestrator of all of life's grand accounts....but He also sometimes takes from us. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, the inability to gain employment somewhere or purchase what you deem is your dream house....only to find that He had something grander in store for you...or the inability to conceive the children you so long for.
We went down that road for 5 1/2 long and tough years. I feel like they will always be a part of who I am today. They taught me a lot about strength, about love and about endurance. They taught me about who I was and who I wanted to be, they taught me about my true heart for others. Those years may have been taxing on us emotionally, physically and mentally but we made it through. Then we lost Jordan, our first miracle pregnancy and I was crushed again. All the years of empty arms, negative tests and finally we thought we'd made it to parenthood. Josh reminded me to keep my eyes on the prize and to shoot for Gold. God gave us Ethan's pregnancy just 3 months later, and he was and is, my perfect miracle boy. Abby came just 19 months later and we really felt complete.
It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that the kids really started asking for another sibling. I thought, there is no way! I am too old, I am too tired, I am too stressed to do this again. But then it happened, all on it's own another little miracle took place, we were expecting. March was an exciting and busy month filled with celebrating Ethan's birthday and attending homeschool convention in Nashville, TN which was also our first little mini vacation as a family. We found out after we returned that we were pregnant. We kept it from the children because of my history but I was so excited to include them in every step of the journey. I was heartbroken to find out on April 1st that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and that miscarriage would begin soon.
We cried together as I told the children what was happening and what would be happening soon. We named the baby together and prayed a lot. I felt at peace with things knowing that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Up until recently I have handled things really well. But between my electrophysiologist telling us that we needed to make the decision on whether we would or wouldn't continue to try to have another baby (surgery or no surgery) and today's piece of mail, the tears are coming. I'm not ready to say that we are done. I had such plans for including my children in a new pregnancy; from going with me to ultrasounds, helping me to make the announcements for both the pregnancy and the gender, to helping us pick out a name and being present at the hospital on his/her birth day. For me personally, it was the feeling of life and love; growing another precious baby within me, holding him/her for the first time, nursing my child, rocking my child and being there to watch them grow every day....when I wasn't the first two times.
I know that I need to continue to pray, God knows our future and He will bring me peace regarding the right decisions for us to make. He will give us wisdom, He will help direct our steps. I trust that. But my flesh is weak today and it's all because I received a package from Similac in the mail containing baby formula. That's it, the small things. This package is what made the tears flow today, this package made my heart rip in two all over again, this package makes me continue to question if I can be truly at peace with the decision to not have another child. I can't answer that question today, but I can pray! Search my heart O Lord and renew a right spirit within me!
Up to this point I feel like I have handled things very well. Life happens and there is no explanation. God is in control and who are we to question His authority. He is the giver of life, the miracle worker and Great Physician, He is the orchestrator of all of life's grand accounts....but He also sometimes takes from us. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, the inability to gain employment somewhere or purchase what you deem is your dream house....only to find that He had something grander in store for you...or the inability to conceive the children you so long for.
We went down that road for 5 1/2 long and tough years. I feel like they will always be a part of who I am today. They taught me a lot about strength, about love and about endurance. They taught me about who I was and who I wanted to be, they taught me about my true heart for others. Those years may have been taxing on us emotionally, physically and mentally but we made it through. Then we lost Jordan, our first miracle pregnancy and I was crushed again. All the years of empty arms, negative tests and finally we thought we'd made it to parenthood. Josh reminded me to keep my eyes on the prize and to shoot for Gold. God gave us Ethan's pregnancy just 3 months later, and he was and is, my perfect miracle boy. Abby came just 19 months later and we really felt complete.
It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that the kids really started asking for another sibling. I thought, there is no way! I am too old, I am too tired, I am too stressed to do this again. But then it happened, all on it's own another little miracle took place, we were expecting. March was an exciting and busy month filled with celebrating Ethan's birthday and attending homeschool convention in Nashville, TN which was also our first little mini vacation as a family. We found out after we returned that we were pregnant. We kept it from the children because of my history but I was so excited to include them in every step of the journey. I was heartbroken to find out on April 1st that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and that miscarriage would begin soon.
We cried together as I told the children what was happening and what would be happening soon. We named the baby together and prayed a lot. I felt at peace with things knowing that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Up until recently I have handled things really well. But between my electrophysiologist telling us that we needed to make the decision on whether we would or wouldn't continue to try to have another baby (surgery or no surgery) and today's piece of mail, the tears are coming. I'm not ready to say that we are done. I had such plans for including my children in a new pregnancy; from going with me to ultrasounds, helping me to make the announcements for both the pregnancy and the gender, to helping us pick out a name and being present at the hospital on his/her birth day. For me personally, it was the feeling of life and love; growing another precious baby within me, holding him/her for the first time, nursing my child, rocking my child and being there to watch them grow every day....when I wasn't the first two times.
I know that I need to continue to pray, God knows our future and He will bring me peace regarding the right decisions for us to make. He will give us wisdom, He will help direct our steps. I trust that. But my flesh is weak today and it's all because I received a package from Similac in the mail containing baby formula. That's it, the small things. This package is what made the tears flow today, this package made my heart rip in two all over again, this package makes me continue to question if I can be truly at peace with the decision to not have another child. I can't answer that question today, but I can pray! Search my heart O Lord and renew a right spirit within me!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Give me Strength
I am going to be honest here, I am struggling. I have been for a while. It's one of the reasons that I felt the need to write again....I enjoy reading, I enjoy writing and for me the two are therapeutic. So in the midst of the chaos that is my life right now, I search for the moments that lead me to this therapy! Quite time in the afternoon when one or both children are napping, time when they are playing quietly together and getting along, or once they have been put to bed at night. I need that time of quiet and reflection as my day is filled with noise!
Being a stay at home mom is not always easy. It may have been easier if I had done so from the start but I wasn't able to. I came into this experience with a 3 year old and 5 year old with Sensory Processing Disorder (not diagnosed until he was 5!). We've made it almost a year and there are still days where I wonder if this was the right decision for our family. I had great dreams of what it would be like to be home with my children every day. Loving them, cuddling with them, having fun with them, cherishing every moment and never looking back. Adding home school to the picture I was excited to see them grow and learn. For the most part that was true, however, dealing with Ethan's SPD can sometimes be trying. Dealing with Abby's constant need for attention in the midst of homeschooling her brother proved to be a challenge. We made it through the year and were thrilled for summer.
Summer though....came with a whole different set of issues. My pregnancy, miscarriage, heart problem and hospitalization took us from mid-March to mid-April. We wrapped up school in May, but issues were still present. The children didn't have a schedule and it showed....they just don't know what to do with all that free time, yet they are always bored and looking for fun! Summer has proved to be more trying than our long winter was, doesn't seem possible but it's true. So as we gear up to start school again in 26 days I am ready to start working on a schedule for them, get them back into the routine, pray over the year to come as I now have both children to educate, pray for our finances as we have hit a rough patch this summer, pray for my health and strength, pray for my children that they would be receptive and pray for my husband who needs encouragement for the work he's doing for our family. Praying over my Thirty-One business as it's taken on a rough patch as well, I am just not partying like I want to nor how I need to. But this is my secondary income and right now my family needs it to get by, soon it will be needed to get Abby through dance again and I'd really love to get Ethan involved in some activities this year too.
Psalm 37:39-40 "But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him."
Being a stay at home mom is not always easy. It may have been easier if I had done so from the start but I wasn't able to. I came into this experience with a 3 year old and 5 year old with Sensory Processing Disorder (not diagnosed until he was 5!). We've made it almost a year and there are still days where I wonder if this was the right decision for our family. I had great dreams of what it would be like to be home with my children every day. Loving them, cuddling with them, having fun with them, cherishing every moment and never looking back. Adding home school to the picture I was excited to see them grow and learn. For the most part that was true, however, dealing with Ethan's SPD can sometimes be trying. Dealing with Abby's constant need for attention in the midst of homeschooling her brother proved to be a challenge. We made it through the year and were thrilled for summer.
Summer though....came with a whole different set of issues. My pregnancy, miscarriage, heart problem and hospitalization took us from mid-March to mid-April. We wrapped up school in May, but issues were still present. The children didn't have a schedule and it showed....they just don't know what to do with all that free time, yet they are always bored and looking for fun! Summer has proved to be more trying than our long winter was, doesn't seem possible but it's true. So as we gear up to start school again in 26 days I am ready to start working on a schedule for them, get them back into the routine, pray over the year to come as I now have both children to educate, pray for our finances as we have hit a rough patch this summer, pray for my health and strength, pray for my children that they would be receptive and pray for my husband who needs encouragement for the work he's doing for our family. Praying over my Thirty-One business as it's taken on a rough patch as well, I am just not partying like I want to nor how I need to. But this is my secondary income and right now my family needs it to get by, soon it will be needed to get Abby through dance again and I'd really love to get Ethan involved in some activities this year too.
Psalm 37:39-40 "But the salvation of the righteous is of the Lord: he is their strength in the time of trouble. And the Lord shall help them, and deliver them: he shall deliver them from the wicked, and save them, because they trust in him."
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Another day, another discussion
Each day is a brand new day to have a talk with my children. The subjects aren't always the same but sometimes the need for a repeat conversation does present itself. Some conversations are fun, I love hearing their reactions and their ways of explaining back to me what I've said. Others are hard, they aren't fun but they are necessary. I can admit in the midst of my stress, my health issues, my overtired medication fogs and summer rout that I've found myself in....I have not been the best at "talking" but rather quick to yell, quick to build a wall or even quick to shut down. It's horrible, I know! I have cried myself to sleep many nights over it.
All of it started the first time my son called me "the evil step-mother." He meant it too, still comes out from time to time. No, he doesn't mean that I am his dad's new wife, not his biological mother, but rather than mean and evil mother he sees on some of his sister's movies and shows. I came home to put first things, first.....to give my kids the best of me, not just what was left of me. What have I become? In just a year of being home full time, I have become burnt out, beat down, discouraged and feeling alone. But it's time for change! For all of us! A better, calmer, more loving mother....like I used to be. Children who feel more incentive to behave appropriately than they do to give in to their every desire. I realize that a good chunk of this change has happened since we ended our first homeschool year, it's like once the scheduled days were over....we went CRAZY!
Bright Lights Academy Homeschool 2013-2014 year was a learning experience for all of us. Started with so many hugs, celebratory high fives and WOOHOOs and even tears of joy and excitement. Ended with "hurry up" or "pay attention" problems. We grew, we learned, we talked and decided it was still what we wanted and what was best for our children. Our curriculum has more to it this year and we have started working on a schedule. The schedule will help both children to understand what is going to be done each day and knowing that it's their personal time! When they complete their chores, their assignments and priorities, the rest of the time is theirs! We have started a new "I DID IT" behavior chart (from Pinterest) that helps them understand that they do get rewarded for good behavior and they enjoy counting to see how many stars they have earned. It was a great conversation for us yesterday and today has been worlds different for us! Another day, another discussion, another opportunity for love and correction!
All of it started the first time my son called me "the evil step-mother." He meant it too, still comes out from time to time. No, he doesn't mean that I am his dad's new wife, not his biological mother, but rather than mean and evil mother he sees on some of his sister's movies and shows. I came home to put first things, first.....to give my kids the best of me, not just what was left of me. What have I become? In just a year of being home full time, I have become burnt out, beat down, discouraged and feeling alone. But it's time for change! For all of us! A better, calmer, more loving mother....like I used to be. Children who feel more incentive to behave appropriately than they do to give in to their every desire. I realize that a good chunk of this change has happened since we ended our first homeschool year, it's like once the scheduled days were over....we went CRAZY!
Bright Lights Academy Homeschool 2013-2014 year was a learning experience for all of us. Started with so many hugs, celebratory high fives and WOOHOOs and even tears of joy and excitement. Ended with "hurry up" or "pay attention" problems. We grew, we learned, we talked and decided it was still what we wanted and what was best for our children. Our curriculum has more to it this year and we have started working on a schedule. The schedule will help both children to understand what is going to be done each day and knowing that it's their personal time! When they complete their chores, their assignments and priorities, the rest of the time is theirs! We have started a new "I DID IT" behavior chart (from Pinterest) that helps them understand that they do get rewarded for good behavior and they enjoy counting to see how many stars they have earned. It was a great conversation for us yesterday and today has been worlds different for us! Another day, another discussion, another opportunity for love and correction!
Monday, June 23, 2014
Juggling Jen
Allow me to introduce myself, I am Jen! What on earth does my title mean? Well...exactly what it says, I am Juggling Jen. I am a wife, a mother, a home based business owner, a homeschooling mom, a leader, an encourager, a believer, a friend and more. I love to cook, spend a lot of time cleaning (although it never looks that way) and when I have quiet time, I love to read! While I may not be able to physically juggle balls or pins, I am learning to juggle life and embracing it.
The quotes are all true "time flies," "you will never be this loved again," and "don't blink, they'll be grown before you know it." I can be honest and say, there are times when it feels like time stands still. Days where I have unfortunately wished time away, but I am learning to embrace this juggling act of life! In doing so, I plan to start posting here to share my experience, my mother's heart, and my gratitude for the life God has given me.
As June comes to a close I am reminded that it was just a year ago that I made my journey home from the corporate world. It hasn't always been easy and yes, there are days I'd go back in a heartbeat, but I would so miss these precious moments no matter how few or many they may be. It's been an honor to watch my children grow this past year, it's been a blessing to teach them and to see them learn from home, it's been a journey through ups and downs but we've done it together. These are children that I was never supposed to have, children that I waited years for and children that I promise to never give up on. Life is about learning to dance in the rain, to sing through your tears, to fight for what you believe in and to LOVE deeply. That is what I plan to do!
The quotes are all true "time flies," "you will never be this loved again," and "don't blink, they'll be grown before you know it." I can be honest and say, there are times when it feels like time stands still. Days where I have unfortunately wished time away, but I am learning to embrace this juggling act of life! In doing so, I plan to start posting here to share my experience, my mother's heart, and my gratitude for the life God has given me.
As June comes to a close I am reminded that it was just a year ago that I made my journey home from the corporate world. It hasn't always been easy and yes, there are days I'd go back in a heartbeat, but I would so miss these precious moments no matter how few or many they may be. It's been an honor to watch my children grow this past year, it's been a blessing to teach them and to see them learn from home, it's been a journey through ups and downs but we've done it together. These are children that I was never supposed to have, children that I waited years for and children that I promise to never give up on. Life is about learning to dance in the rain, to sing through your tears, to fight for what you believe in and to LOVE deeply. That is what I plan to do!
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