Ouch

I am well aware that I am human and typically have a range of emotion on any given day, but today it's hurt and sadness. It's the little things. Little things bring me joy, little things bring me happiness, little things make me smile. In the same regard it's the little things that bring back a memory, that cause the tears to return to my eyes without a moment's notice, the little things that remind me of what I've lost. Today is one of those days.

Up to this point I feel like I have handled things very well. Life happens and there is no explanation. God is in control and who are we to question His authority. He is the giver of life, the miracle worker and Great Physician, He is the orchestrator of all of life's grand accounts....but He also sometimes takes from us. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, the inability to gain employment somewhere or purchase what you deem is your dream house....only to find that He had something grander in store for you...or the inability to conceive the children you so long for.

We went down that road for 5 1/2 long and tough years. I feel like they will always be a part of who I am today. They taught me a lot about strength, about love and about endurance. They taught me about who I was and who I wanted to be, they taught me about my true heart for others. Those years may have been taxing on us emotionally, physically and mentally but we made it through. Then we lost Jordan, our first miracle pregnancy and I was crushed again. All the years of empty arms, negative tests and finally we thought we'd made it to parenthood. Josh reminded me to keep my eyes on the prize and to shoot for Gold. God gave us Ethan's pregnancy just 3 months later, and he was and is, my perfect miracle boy. Abby came just 19 months later and we really felt complete.

It wasn't until about a year and a half ago that the kids really started asking for another sibling. I thought, there is no way! I am too old, I am too tired, I am too stressed to do this again. But then it happened, all on it's own another little miracle took place, we were expecting. March was an exciting and busy month filled with celebrating Ethan's birthday and attending homeschool convention in Nashville, TN which was also our first little mini vacation as a family. We found out after we returned that we were pregnant. We kept it from the children because of my history but I was so excited to include them in every step of the journey. I was heartbroken to find out on April 1st that it wasn't a viable pregnancy and that miscarriage would begin soon.

We cried together as I told the children what was happening and what would be happening soon. We named the baby together and prayed a lot. I felt at peace with things knowing that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away...blessed be the name of the Lord. Up until recently I have handled things really well. But between my electrophysiologist telling us that we needed to make the decision on whether we would or wouldn't continue to try to have another baby (surgery or no surgery) and today's piece of mail, the tears are coming. I'm not ready to say that we are done. I had such plans for including my children in a new pregnancy; from going with me to ultrasounds, helping me to make the announcements for both the pregnancy and the gender, to helping us pick out a name and being present at the hospital on his/her birth day. For me personally, it was the feeling of life and love; growing another precious baby within me, holding him/her for the first time, nursing my child, rocking my child and being there to watch them grow every day....when I wasn't the first two times.

I know that I need to continue to pray, God knows our future and He will bring me peace regarding the right decisions for us to make. He will give us wisdom, He will help direct our steps. I trust that. But my flesh is weak today and it's all because I received a package from Similac in the mail containing baby formula. That's it, the small things. This package is what made the tears flow today, this package made my heart rip in two all over again, this package makes me continue to question if I can be truly at peace with the decision to not have another child. I can't answer that question today, but I can pray! Search my heart O Lord and renew a right spirit within me!